Speed-dating? Here's how

Surviving the match-made-in-seven phenomenon.

BAILA LAZARUS EDITOR

So, you're a single 25-to-35-year-old, or 35-to-45-year-old, or whatever, and you're looking for a Jewish partner. You've read about this speed-dating thing and now you're wondering whether to do it or not and how freaky is it really?

Here's the answer: Do it. It's great. Really.

The idea, in case you're new to this phenomenon, is to give men and women (in this case, specifically, 20 Jewish men and women) an opportunity to meet each other in quick succession on a series of seven-minute "dates." It's organized through the Community Kollel and registered participants gather at Trees café on an evening designated for their age group.

The women sit, each at a specified table, while the men move from one seat to another. Yes, it smacks of chauvenism but is, after all, an efficient way of rotating the participants. You sit, you chat for seven minutes, you rotate, you sit, you chat, and so on. You're provided with a card on which you write the person's name and whether or not you want to see them again.

But, you're wondering, what do you talk about in seven minutes? Do you skirt around with standard, mundane questions like, "How's it going so far?" or do you go for the jugulars: "What do you do?" "How old are you?" "How much money do you make?"

No, I'm kidding. I never cared to ask how old someone was or how much they earned; but I did find that the easiest way to lead into a conversation was to talk about jobs. It sounds unoriginal, but if it's something the person's been doing for 15 or 20 years (which was the case with several participants I spoke to), then chances are they will have a great deal of identity wrapped up in their career. What better way to find out about an individual?

On the form we had to fill out, there were suggested questions to ask one another. Things like, "What are some small things that make you happy?" or "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" So, you'd read the questions and practically memorize an answer, as if you're doing an exam or applying for a job. I found the answers to these questions sounded rehearsed.

The ones that led to more interesting conversations were the curve balls: "What CD or tape do you have in your car stereo right now?" "Tell me a joke that goes around in your field." "What do you think about war crime trials?"

The evening gets more fun as it progresses. Nerves relax, people's reactions are more natural, laughter comes more easily and frankness replaces caution.

At this point, you should feel comfortable saying something like, "No, having 17 children really doesn't interest me," without worrying that you're letting a good one get away.

But to make the evening go as smoothly as possible, right from the start, it's worth remembering a few tips:

Wear something cool and comfortable. It can get hot in the café and no matter how calm and collected you are, you'll sweat. Everyone was dressed pretty casually so, as long as your shirt doesn't have coffee stains from that morning's breakfast, it's OK.

Cut back on the perfume and cologne. One guy nearly knocked me out of my chair with the aroma wafting from around his neck. I couldn't take a sip of my latté until he moved on to the next table.

Smile. It's amazing how good you feel when you extend a hand and the person responds with a firm handshake and a smile.

Don't roll your eyes if someone asks an obvious question like, "What do you do for a living?" or "Where are you from?" It's an acceptable way to start a conversation and can lead to some very interesting discussions.

Try and maintain the attitude that you are out for an evening of fun. You'll meet a variety of individuals with different characters and different looks. Some of them may not come close to being your "type" but none of them are so disagreeable that you can't spend seven minutes talking to them.

In the end, even if you can't find one person to go out with again, or if none of the potential dates wanted to go out with you again, so what? It's not like you're going to get (or have to give) in-your-face rejections that make you want to crawl under the table. In fact, it's probably the easiest "no" you'll ever get.

The most important thing to remember is this: you are talking to someone for the same amount of time it takes to cook al-dente pasta. Will you be able to figure out during the fleeting encounter if this is your bashert? Probably not. But are the people you meet intriguing enough to warrant some more discussion at a later date? At least five of the eight I met were. Now, I wait to see if they thought the same thing about me.

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