Collaborative divorce

JENNIFER BOJM

Divorce can be very damaging, especially to the children caught in between. But collaborative divorce is an interdisciplinary and no court approach to divorce. Instead of dealing only with lawyers, facts and figures, it focuses on the psychological impacts of divorce on the whole family.

Danny Zack and Shelley Behr co-chair the Vancouver Collaborative Practice Group. Zack is one of Vancouver's senior collaborative lawyers and he has specialized in family law throughout his 35-year career. Behr is an individual, couples and family therapist, who also works with clients through the collaborative divorce process.

In this approach, Zack noted, "There is a much closer working relationship between lawyers and mental health professionals in collaborative work than has ever existed." Clients can come through the doors of either a lawyer or a mental health specialist and be introduced to the collaborative approach, but few people know this. According to Behr, "Because it's still a relatively new approach, people need to be educated and become aware of what the process entails."

The focus is on the psychological health of the parents and children. Mental health specialists meet with both parties together to create parenting plans and to work on communication issues. The information gained is then shared with the lawyers. This way, the lawyers know the specific situation and are able to proceed accordingly. Behr stressed, "Part of [the] process is really the idea of keeping the children in the centre. We start by having [clients] bring pictures of their children and they're always right in the middle of our meetings so, as we're talking about it, we're keeping in mind what's really important.

"We'll discuss some of the obstacles that have gotten in the way of the marriage and we'll try to work through some of them," she continued. "We're talking about communication and creating a parenting plan that really works. We have child specialists as part of our group as well, so, if needed, we'll bring a child specialist on board that will meet with the child and get a sense of where they are in the process and share that with the team. We're always working together as a team trying to create a plan that is best for the family."

On working with mental health specialists like Behr, Zack said, "There have been many files over the course of us doing this work, where the clients will come in and the first meeting between clients and council can be very difficult. When that occurs, we typically recommend spending some time with the divorce coaches and then returning to our table. When that has occurred, the process usually proceeds much more smoothly." The key is transparency; all facilitators of the process are kept informed.

Behr added, "The long-term benefit of the process is that a lot of issues are then brought out and solutions are come to and coaches can stay involved well into the future. When problems arise, as they do with children and families, they can call the coaches back in. They know we are well versed as to how we've come to this place and we can work with them to help overcome these stumbling blocks. It's not contained to reaching an agreement, it goes so much farther."

"If you think of separation and divorce as a product, [collaborative divorce] is a far better product because it takes into account the children," said Zack. "We focus on cocoon-like protection of the kids, so what we try to do is have a better product, a more enduring product, where people can come together and arrive at a consensus with guidance, as opposed to being imposed upon by somebody and, as a bi-product of that, it is less costly financially, it takes less time and it's emotionally a safer place."

Rabbi Shmuel Birnham of Har El Synagogue is an advocate of collaborative divorce. He said, "There are many Jewish ethical supports of the collaborative process." He pointed out that every human being is created "beselem Elohim," or "in the image of God." This means that relations between people must be governed by a certain behavior and respect. When dealing with divorce, this concept applies to "a spouse one may no longer not only not love, but not even like." Furthermore, Birnham noted a phrase in Leviticus: "Love your neighbor as yourself" – in other words, "show love and concern for your neighbor." He said, "If you are going to show concern and care for someone who is not even intimately involved in your life, it is, all the more so, necessary to respect and care for someone who has been the most intimate person in your life and may even be the father or mother of your children."

Zack is one of two collaborative lawyers featured in the CBC documentary How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids, which can be seen on Jan. 10, 10 p.m., on CBC Newsworld. He can be contacted at 604-270-9571 or [email protected] and Behr can be reached at 604-273-3451 or [email protected].

Jennifer Bojm is a University of British Columbia graduate with a bachelor's degree in religions, literature and the arts. She is also an aspiring singer.

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