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Feb. 10, 2006
Left out of his mother's will
Family divisions are the inevitable result of favoring one child.
SORIYA DANIELS
Steve Kaplan (not his real name) had just finished sitting shivah
for his mother when he was dealt the next emotional blow: news that
he was written out of his mother's will. Every one of his mother's
belongings would pass to his brother, as specified in his mother's
last will and testament. As for him, zilch. Not a word. Not a penny.
"It's not the money," said Kaplan, when asked which aspect
bothers him the most. "It just reflects how she might have
viewed me. It leaves a negative connotation."
"These people feel immense hurt and rejection," explained
Dr. David Falk, a clinical psychologist in Cleveland, Ohio, who
has counselled many people with bereavement issues during his 25-plus
year career. "It can create a sense of bitterness for a long,
long time. It revives a lot of sibling rivalries from earlier in
life and can hurt families for generations."
According to Falk, when a child is written out of a parent's will,
it implies either a lack of trust in that child or insinuates some
other kind of personality problem. "That leaves open a vulnerability
to be hurt even deeper, so that there is an awful lot of shame and
anger that's generated in the rejected party," he said.
"You could argue that the son who everything was left to bonded
with her the most and cemented the relationship, and Mama was leaving
everything to him out of gratitude," suggested Peter Strauss,
a partner of the New York law firm Epstein Becker and Green and
author of The Complete Retirement Survival Guide: Everything
You Need to Know to Safeguard Your Money, Your Health and Your Independence.
Strauss, also a law professor and co-director of the Elder Law Clinic
at New York Law School, explained that most laws in the United States
protect a spouse from being excluded from a will, but do not protect
children, with rare exception. He also pointed out that while anyone
who had a right to inherit and was cut out of a will could theoretically
contest the will, the chance of a successful contest is very low.
"My guess would be only five per cent," he said.
Rabbi Andrew Rosenblatt of Congregation Schara Tzedeck pointed out
that while it is not technically a violation of Jewish law to show
favoritism to one child, it is considered unwise. Rosenblatt believes
that it is improper to write out a close family member from a will.
"The general principle is gadol hashalom, drawing from
Ya'akov, that ill fate awaits a family that favors one child,"
said Rosenblatt, alluding to the story of Ya'akov's son, Joseph,
who was favored by his father, thus causing great enmity between
the brothers.
Kaplan admitted to feeling disappointed, though he doesn't believe
his mother would have wanted him to feel bad. He thinks it's important,
however, that testators leave behind something in writing that explains
why they are not leaving so-and-so any money, if that was their
final wish. "This way, the person understands why and isn't
just dangling with many different thoughts," said Kaplan.
Rosenblatt takes this approach a step further, urging people to
heal their problems so they don't get passed on through the documents.
"Those who have disputes with their children that are so intense
as to want to disinherit the child that was fed and nursed from
birth, might want to find a good counsellor who can help them work
through their dispute," he said.
"Obviously, there has been conflict in the family. This is
a matter of reconciliation, not of wills, lawyers and the standard
code [of Jewish law.]" Rosenblatt feels strongly that the money
is often secondary and that the relationship will not be salvageable
after death.
Falk agrees, and urges families to work through disputes while everybody
is still available to be angry about it, talk it out, reason with
it, and come to an understanding. "But to blind side somebody
with a swipe at the end of life leaves a legacy of pain for somebody,
that my so-and-so didn't love me," he observed.
According to Falk, the sibling who receives the inheritance may
not even benefit from the arrangement when considering the big picture.
While for the short term, he could claim victory over his sibling,
over the long run, there can be a lot of guilt and alienation from
the rest of the family.
"It's very hard to win when families are very conflicted and
are competing with each other for a parent's attention," said
Falk. "If the parents give an equal distribution, which many
lawyers advise, the one who did everything will feel like he's been
cheated."
Strauss, a frequent speaker at estate planning conferences and a
popular speaker for various Jewish federations, doesn't recommend
including or excluding family members, so long as the law allows
for it. "It's the client's wishes that are important, not the
lawyer's," he said.
As for Kaplan, he feels terrible that his 62-year relationship with
his mother ended this way, without closure. He's still not sure
why she wrote him out of the will.
It seems these things can be as complicated as families themselves.
Soriya Daniels is a Florida-based freelancer.
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