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Feb. 3, 2006
How to marry Jewishly
It's all about making contacts, author tells crowd.
RANDY FISHER
In today's fast-paced world of Internet, wireless communication
and Blackberries, finding and marrying a Jewish person requires
perseverance, creativity and effort. However, the benefits will
last a lifetime, said a leading Jewish author, particularly if it's
consistent with Jewish values.
"When someone marries someone from the same faith, the chances
for marriage happiness and success go up," said writer Doron
Kornbluth, father of five children. "That's because marriage
is hard."
Fresh from a tour of Washington state, the Montreal native spoke
on a dreary, wet and cold night last Sunday at the newly opened
Gallery O Contemporary in Kitsilano. The theme was Living Together
and Loving Together: An Interactive Discussion on Love, Marriage,
Family and Interfaith Relationships. The lecture was sponsored by
Lubavitch B.C.
"It is the first of a series of lectures for singles,"
said Rabbi Wineberg, Lubavitch B.C.'s executive director. "Our
purpose is to inform, educate and bring Jewish people together in
our growing community."
A one-two punch of friendly advice for singles and an appeal for
individual responsibility for the survival of a greater Jewish community,
Kornbluth's lecture hit a chord with the 60-strong audience. Armed
with statistics and personal anecdotes, he built a case for the
benefits of marrying within one's faith - Jewish or otherwise.
Many issues can derail an interfaith relationship, he said, and
with marriage, the stakes are that much higher.
He asked the audience to consider several: Which neighborhood will
we live in? How will we raise our children? Where will our kids
go to school?
The reason, of course, that Kornbluth is talking about interfaith
marriages is that they are happening everywhere, especially in smaller
Jewish communities. The author of Why Marry Jewish: Surprising
Reasons for Jews to Marry Jews posits that they are occurring
because young people aren't aware of the practical implications
in marrying someone from another faith.
"In the first chunk of life, religious involvement and participation
is pretty darn high," he said. "Five years later, less
than 10 per cent of students on university campuses said that they
were interested [in religious activities]."
The least religious time in a person's life is in their 20s, said
Kornbluth. "They're searching for their identity and looking
for jobs. Religious affiliation starts to increase in their 30s,
and the number one reason is for children.
"This means that people who are dating non-Jews are at the
worst time [in their lives] to make that [marriage] decision. They
have no idea what the issues are. It's very likely that one or more
of the couple will care in a few years."
"I am very aware of the challenges he talked about," said
Larry Groberman, 57, a Vancouver Realtor. "I would prefer to
be dating Jewish women."
Kornbluth believes that finding your Jewish soulmate is more important
than making more money or getting a better job. It requires hard
work and due diligence, he said. He suggested some ways of making
it happen, however.
The author said it was important for Jewish singles to create a
community in Vancouver where the goal is not to meet someone in
particular, but to make friends.
"You never know where that will lead," he said.
He also said it was important to "get as involved with Jewish
communal life as you can, so that most of your friends are Jewish.
Otherwise, you will have a very difficult time."
Kornbluth advised his audience to use online dating services with
caution. Not everyone on JDate is Jewish; nor who they say they
are or appear to be. But 350,000 out of 500,000 members on the site
are still Jewish, he said.
Finally, Kornbluth recommended travel to Seattle, Calgary and beyond.
Network for dating just as you would in business, he said.
Although, as Kornbluth pointed out, we all think that love can conquer
all, marriage also requires communication and trust and a common
structure and common goals.
"Couples with huge differences have a small chance of success,"
he said. "[Love is] a beautiful idea, but it's not true."
Kornbluth was non-committal on whether people from different cultures
could make it. For those who share different levels of observance
(such as Reform and Orthodox Jews), he acknowledged that it would
be more difficult.
"As we get older, we get more set in our ways," he said.
One thing Kornbluth does believe is that "people who have an
unambiguous Jewish identity have a fighting chance of survival.
It's better for the marriage, better for the kids and better for
the survival of the Jewish people. If you do not marry a Jew, it's
almost a guarantee your children will marry a non-Jew." It
is, he said, akin to giving those children permission.
Randy Fisher is a writer and researcher living in Vancouver.
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