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August 31, 2007
The first face-to-face
What you should say and how you should act.
BAILA LAZARUS
This is the 10th in a monthly series on Internet dating, as
well as general dating dos and don'ts.
Meeting someone for the first time on a date can be a nerve-wracking
experience at the best of times, whether you met them on the Internet
or were set up through your hairdresser's cousin's ex-husband's
accountant.
My experience has been that if you bring enthusiasm, keep expectations
low and take on at least half the responsibility of making the date
entertaining, even if you don't "click" enough for a second
date, you won't feel that you've wasted your time. In five years,
I've met more than 200 people in person from the Internet and I
can honestly count no more than a handful of bad dates. That's because
I'm determined that I'm going to have a good time, no matter who's
sitting across from me.
Hopefully, having met on the Internet, you've seen their photo and
have had the time to chat with them through instant messenger or
e-mail or, better yet, on the phone. I really urge the latter, because
nothing matches the quality of interaction that that you have in
a phone conversation, aside from the face-to-face meeting, of course.
In the pre-date conversations, take note of what the other person's
interests are and how they react to your own interests. That will
give you a great jumping-off point to engage each other in conversation
in person.
When arriving at the café or restaurant, if you're not sure
what the other person will look like, haven't told each other what
you will be wearing, or if it's really crowded, stay by the door
or stand in an obvious location and don't take a seat. You might
think you look strikingly similar to your photograph, but it might
not appear that way to your date.
When I meet someone for the first time, I've had enough conversations
with them to feel like they are familiar, but I don't know them
very well. So it's kind of like getting back together with an old
friend from university, and I greet them accordingly, often with
a hug and a big smile, saying, "Wow, so great to finally get
together!"
This sets a positive tone, and lets the other person know that they
can relax and have a good time. For me, a handshake is too formal.
As you sit down, don't get too personal too quickly. "How was
traffic? Have you eaten here before? Would you buy a $15 cup of
coffee if they sold it here?" Keep the conversation light and
ease into the personal questions gradually. There's certainly nothing
wrong with asking how they like "the whole Internet dating
thing," but be aware that it's a question that comes up a
lot and gets tedious very quickly.
Normally, if you've chatted on the phone before meeting, the in-person
conversation just flows naturally from that, making for a comfortable
and fun first date, but sometimes, there might not be enough in
common to keep the chat going, so consider this before meeting:
On the day you head off for the first date, think about what you've
done in the past two weeks. Have you gone to see any movies? Did
you see an interesting video on the Internet? Did you buy any new
CDs? Think about interesting/funny e-mails that you've received
that the other person might have received as well. Consider their
interests. Was there anything you read in a newspaper or magazine
or saw on television that you can bring up?
All of these make for very natural topics of conversations, and
if there is a lull in the conversation it becomes easy to fill:
"Hey, did you see that video on Youtube that shows the lions
being chased by water buffalo? It was amazing. It's been downloaded
more than two million times." These types of interjections
keep the conversation going, but we often don't think about them
in the moment of the date because we haven't put effort into thinking
about them consciously beforehand.
This is what I mean by taking responsibility for making the date
entertaining. If you leave everything up to the other person, you
could both be left staring into your coffee cups with nothing to
say.
Baila Lazarus is an Internet dating instructor with an
upcoming course in September. Visit www.tastierdates.com
for more information. To sign up for online dating, visit www.jisinglesbc.com.
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