Matchmakers facilitate miracles

BATSHEVA POMERANTZ SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN

Finding a suitable spouse is compared in Jewish tradition to the miracle of the parting of the Red Sea, with today's matchmakers employing both traditional and high-tech methods to facilitate this miracle.

With an acute lack of meeting places for young people in the modern Orthodox world due to male-only yeshivot and female-only colleges, an increasing number of singles go to a shadchan or shadchanit (matchmaker, from the Hebrew word meaning "to staple together").

"God does all the work," said Eli Mishan of the Bne Kincha (Build Your Home-circle) agency, which has three branches in Israel and two in France. "We're just an emissary, another door to facilitate marriage."

Bne Kincha's database includes thousands of clients, all of whom were interviewed personally by Mishan, a rabbinical marriage counsellor, or his professional staff. The only exception, of course, Mishan points out, is when parents seek a match for their son or daughter without his/her knowledge.
Mishan sometimes offers tips to clients about what's expected of them on dates and has them recite Psalms for 40 days, together with a prayer for finding the appropriate partner.

A professional interview is essential to matchmaking, said U.S.-born Ayalah Haas, who, together with her husband Andy, runs the Ezer Kenegdo (Helpmate) matchmaking service. Haas draws on her extensive experience as a journalist whose beat was the Manhattan celebrity scene to sensitively learn about her client's personality and needs. After making aliyah, she met Andy through a professional shadchanit.

"We were influenced by her ethical and value system and learned from her that matchmaking is about trying to make marriages, not divorces," said Haas. "You don't just throw two people together, you work by a method."

Ezer Kenegdo also holds events like speed-dating, where 10 men and 10 women talk together in pairs for seven minutes each, then switch partners. According to Haas, this method benefits people who can decide quickly whether they want to meet again. It saves time, since it can take many months until a person is matched up with 10 different people. Andy is the brains behind the events and has a role in the matchmaking process. "He gives me advice, input and the benefit of his experience," said Haas.

Among Ezer Kenegdo's clients are hundreds of Orthodox Jews, and a few secular ones. "I don't like to give [our clients] labels," said Haas. "When you don't give labels, options can open up. I want to see Jews marrying Jews."

DosiDate, an online Web site, caters to singles from the entire Orthodox spectrum – comprising eight categories of observance. Founded in 2001 by Grayson Levy, who immigrated to Israel from Canada in 1995, 90 couples have, to his knowledge, so far tied the knot. DosiDate's large database, with about 13,000 names, lists men and women of diverse ages, marital states (bachelors, divorced or widowed) and levels of education.

With its English or Hebrew interface, the site attracts mainly native Israelis, even though Grayson founded it with the needs of single, Orthodox English-speakers in mind.

Lawyer Yoni Ostrov, 30, met his wife Michal through DosiDate. He had dated through shadchans and friends, but sometimes felt that he was chasing them for a potential match, and the situation was uncomfortable. Some shadchans had the attitude of "Don't call me, I'll call you if there's anything." A shadchan senses when a client is desperate and this can affect the process.

Ostrov acknowledges that matchmakers deserve a handsome fee for a successful match, and should be paid for their expenses and time (even if there are no results), but claims to have met some matchmakers who take exorbitant fees in advance even though they have little to offer. The money issue interferes but this is avoided on the Internet. DosiDate has only recently started to charge a nominal monthly fee to maintain its services.

Ostrov feels that DosiDate fills a vacuum for English-speaking Israelis, some of who came to Israel as children, as he did. Although there are some other sites for online Jewish dating, they list people in the United States and rarely from a religious or Anglo-Israeli background.

The site's regulations minimize deceptions – a challenge with the Web's information flow. Complaints about con artists are very few, as profiles are monitored to weed out those who may be insincere, and anyone caught being fraudulent cannot register again. When people sign up, they fill out a questionnaire, sometimes using an alias to maintain their anonymity, and send a photograph, which must not be inappropriate or outdated. "But the most important thing is what a person writes about himself in the personal description," explained Grayson. "Some people are shy about this, but it is necessary in order to really get to know the person." Writing styles can reveal a lot too.

A single registered with DosiDate accesses the list and conducts a search according to his or her criteria. A quick search provides up to three criteria and an advanced search provides 15. If the person is interested in one of the listed people, he or she leaves a message, forwarded by DosiDate.

Ostrov actually came almost a click away from not meeting his wife Michal. She was looking to get married and had dated many men she met through friends and shadchans – all of whom proved unsuitable. She read about the site, filled out the questionnaire and accessed the listing of men until it reached Ostrov's profile. She decided at this point to exit the site, but instead of "exit" she clicked "send." Curious about the blank message, Ostrov made contact via the Webmaster. A few e-mails later, they spoke on the phone and then decided to meet. "It took the Internet to fix us up," recalls Ostrov. "A shadchanit from Michal's community didn't think we were suited for each other."

Mishan of the Bne Kincha Agency appreciates online matchmaking services but maintains that it is not personal or accurate enough. His staff even checks the ID of their clients to verify that they are single and not lying about their age. "Seeing facts on paper or computer can be misleading. Somebody can seem great on paper but in reality be much different. The opposite can also be true. Personal contact is very important in making a match."

Bne Kincha clients provide details about themselves and what they're looking for, including information regarding age and height, and specific requests like zodiac signs. A custom-made computer program performs an initial filter of those who are not suitable for the client; then the staff does a further filtering to help decide on the matches.

"When I attend the weddings of people I match up," said Haas, "I feel like I'm at my own wedding." It is this satisfaction at seeing couples under the chuppah (wedding canopy) that drives conscientious matchmakers to continue their part in the miracle of finding that suitable partner.

Batsheva Pomerantz is a writer with Israel Press Service.

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